When my second relationship ended in a second divorce within a year I was talking to my son about how I had moved in with my suitcases half unpacked because you have to be prepared that things might not work out.
I think my son would be a better blogger than me because he does not say much but when he says something its bang on target, bulls eye etc. He answered that it might have been “a self fulfilling prophecy”. Because you think it might happen, then you inevitably do things unconciously to make it happen.
What has this got to do with Defense Mechanism?
This was and probably still is my technique to protect myself emotionally and mentally. Always be prepared for the worse case scenario. If it does not happen fine but if it does then your prepared and it won’t hurt so bad. It is an inherit belief that anything good that you experience will be taken away from you.
If I watch to much daily news and see and hear all the bad stuff going on around me I reason if it has happen to them then it is bound to happen to me as well.
Anything that makes you happy will be removed. You are not allowed to be happy. This is getting really depressing isn’t it? I’ll stop. I know I need to go to the shrink…. again.
Anyway despite this technique I was in shock, sad and disappointed when our relationship came to an abrupt end (might have to do with the fact that I was slowly shutting down my defence mechanism and completely unpacking my suitcases)
However I opened a cover above my left ear just under my skin in the side of my skull and turned off that switch again for a second time confirming my convictions. I felt that I recovered reasonably well and quickly in comparision to other people dealing with break ups.
There is obviously something wrong with me on that score and not the women because two women can’t be wrong can they? O.K. don’t answer that!
Despite my seemingly successful quick recovery I don’t think that this is the right way to go into a relationship but at the same time the immense pain and sadness in breaking up is also not a pleasant thing to deal with either.
My son quoted something else from one of those Batman films I think, when he was stuck in some kind of deep hole or pit and every time he tried to climb out he failed. (Your going to have to help me out on this one) There was some other guy in the pit that said your attitude or disposition is all wrong. You have to climb in a way that you are positive that you will succeed, go the whole way, don’t think about failure. Lo and behold he succeeded in his next attempt.
I guess thats how you should go into a relationship, your in love, and you are going to stick together no matter what, there is no consideration of failure. Maybe similiar to athletes in competition. All contenders are aiming for gold and they convince themselves that they are going to win gold…. ..despite the fact that only one contender can win gold.
How do you deal with losing in competition and more importantly in love? What type of defence mechanism can you set up that does not affect your goal to succeed but protects you from the pain of failure?
I don’t think that formula exists.
This is apart of being alive.
If the fear of failure stops us from doing or starting something then we are as good as dead.
I quote the well known saying;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Lord Tennyson
Seeing as my son played an inspirational role in this short blog I would like to share a link to a song he made recently onder his artist name LTGL with the same title “Defence Mechanism”, but I have to warn you its not everyones cup of tea. No sorry I will correct that statement your going to love this song.
This was a comment I frequently heard from my second wife and still hear from my mother, but I am still planning an appointment with the psychiatrist if the tablets don’t work that my doctor prescribe.
But the reason why I am on it all the time is that it does about everything except opening a bottle of beer ( but I am sure they will shortly have an app for that by the end of the year)
Before smartphones, tablets, laptops and pcs we had different appliances for different purposes.
If I wanted to listen to some music I would go to my shelf with all my various black vinyl records and choose a single or LP from the Jackson 5 or the Beatles and then walk to my record player opening the lid putting the record on the turntable and if I had a really modern one press start and the needle would automatically come up and position itself just inside the edge of the disc, or I could use my cassette player or simply turn on the radio. So now the music is sorted out and playing.
Now I want to write that letter to my insurance company. So I go to the typewriter on the desk find some blank or sometimes even lined paper and start typing, but I will have to look up the address and I will find that in the shoe box full of letters and bills in one of the cupboards onder the tv. Gonna have to buy a stamp from the post office before I can post it.
That reminds me I want to see that funny comedy series ” some mothers do have them” at eight pm so I better program the video recorder. But I am not sure if the time on the video recorder is correct so I better go and check the clock in the kitchen. But I am not sure if that one is correct either. I could wait for the news at seven on the radio or I could ring the automatic “seriously accurate” greenwich mean time speaking clock person thing.
While I am on the phone I could ring my cousin Andrew to see if he is up to a game of chess or backgammon. I hope he is at home.
I might have to pop to the bank before closing time to pay my electric bill, otherwise no tv radio or lights next week, just imagine if the lights suddenly went out. Oh that won’t be such a problem I have got some candles in the cupboard and a torch….. somewhere??. I wonder how much my boss is going to pay me this week and how much I got left in the bank to pay that bill and the rent.
Maybe I will have to get those shares I bought in BP paid out, I haven’t got a clue how they are doing because I didn’t buy the paper today.
I also wanted to check if there were any used cars for sale onder 3000 pounds. Talking about my cousin my Uncle came back from his holiday in Jamaica he has been asking me for ages to come round and see the photos he took. He told me on the phone how he and his wife got lost driving to an inland waterfall on the other side of the island. He didn’t have a local map of the area on him.
Boy I am getting hungry, I wonder what I am going to cook tonight. I am so fed up of that old cook book I got…….oh that record has finished already I think I will just turn on the radio. Or should I just order pizza? I can never figure out what to choose and I always lose their folders.
I still have to brush up on my Spanish, and I also want to finish my article about “cb radio versus ham radio” because I want to publish it in that monthly magazine “Popular Electronics”.
You know where I am going with this don’t you?
I don’t make dogmatic statements anymore. I have discovered the more you know the more you realise you don’t know.
Gradually growing from my strongly, know it all, opinionated teenage years to the point where I can only say “I think so”, “as far as I know”, “don’t kill me if I am wrong”.
Due to the countless times that I have been proven wrong. Some of the most humiliating moments was when the correction came from my own children.
I now acknowlegde that no matter how convinced I am on a certain subject or matter I could be wrong.
At the same time you have to believe in something or have some convictions to be able to go forward, but I think you have to be willing to consider other thoughts and ideas and compare them with your own inorder to grow, progress and develop yourself.
Even ideas that at first glance seem unacceptable. I am sure we have all found ourselves doing at least one thing that we never imagined we would do years earlier.
I will conclude with a quote from the bible without any intention of wanting to influencing or convert anyone.
Proverbs 1:5 “A wise person listens and takes in more instruction; man of understanding acquires skillful direction*