I actually know quite a few women in real life that I think like me. In some ways they are ideal dating candidates as regards character, personality, attractiveness, age, geographical location, family situation, independant financial standing and our shared passions and interest. I really enjoy my friendship with them and engaging with them in our shared passions and activity. But despite all of this I don’t feel that special chemical attraction towards them.
Those few women that I do feel attracted to are everything but ideal candidates for me. Its either their age, where they live, their family situation, their real interests and passions. This is even without mentioning their character and personality. The “love at first sight” relationship that I experience in my infactuation with some of them soon wears off once I got to know them a little better and see their true character and how they interacted ……..or how they did not interact with me.
Why do so many of us have this tendency to “fall in love” with the wrong type of person. The type of person that is not really suited to us. The type of person that instead of uplifting us into becoming better persons actually break us down and bring out the very worst in us?
Why do so many of us always keep searching for this mystery, magical person on the other side of the planet when there is an ideal but simple match literally next door, or in the same village or town or at least in the same country, just waiting for us to ask them.
Yes maybe love is a bit overrated sometimes and maybe we should not always let it have the complete influence on our final decision in who we decide to share the following years of our lives with.
But for those of you who did find someone through the “instant chemistry of love” that turned both of you into better persons, that made you both a complete unit in soul, body and mind, treasure what you have and never let it go, because you have found something truly rare, unique and remarkable.
True love and its chemistry who can really explain it?
Our initial attraction to another human being is primarily based on what we see and hear in them but after a while as you get to know that person their inner soul or character comes to the foreground. It finally reaches the point that when you look at that person you see their inner soul or character first and their looks second.
At this point no matter how attractive they are with their perfect figure, six pack, make up and hairstyle if they have a bad character then that is what you see. Their inner character has become so prominant that it has made them ugly.
Needless to say this leads us to the opposite phenomen, a good person remains beautiful no matter what has become of their physical body in the eyes of those who know and love them.
This world puts so much attention on our outward appearance, physical beauty and looks that it actually makes people become unattractive from within.
We begin to realise that the more perfect someone looks then more than likely the more vain and shallow they have become in their thinking and character. They have been mislead into thinking that having a perfect body will make them a better person.
However there is nothing wrong with physical beauty in itself. We were made to appreciate and enjoy these physical attributes and if we can improve our looks in a natural way that is something positive. It should never however be at the cost of losing our inner soul.
In fact our primary goal should be working on our inner beauty. We should constanly be looking at our internal mirror so that we can become and remain people with good beautiful characters.
But we also have to accept and realise that this internal beauty will only be seen and admired by people who have like minded visual capabilities and values.
When my second relationship ended in a second divorce within a year I was talking to my son about how I had moved in with my suitcases half unpacked because you have to be prepared that things might not work out.
I think my son would be a better blogger than me because he does not say much but when he says something its bang on target, bulls eye etc. He answered that it might have been “a self fulfilling prophecy”. Because you think it might happen, then you inevitably do things unconciously to make it happen.
What has this got to do with Defense Mechanism?
This was and probably still is my technique to protect myself emotionally and mentally. Always be prepared for the worse case scenario. If it does not happen fine but if it does then your prepared and it won’t hurt so bad. It is an inherit belief that anything good that you experience will be taken away from you.
If I watch to much daily news and see and hear all the bad stuff going on around me I reason if it has happen to them then it is bound to happen to me as well.
Anything that makes you happy will be removed. You are not allowed to be happy. This is getting really depressing isn’t it? I’ll stop. I know I need to go to the shrink…. again.
Anyway despite this technique I was in shock, sad and disappointed when our relationship came to an abrupt end (might have to do with the fact that I was slowly shutting down my defence mechanism and completely unpacking my suitcases)
However I opened a cover above my left ear just under my skin in the side of my skull and turned off that switch again for a second time confirming my convictions. I felt that I recovered reasonably well and quickly in comparision to other people dealing with break ups.
There is obviously something wrong with me on that score and not the women because two women can’t be wrong can they? O.K. don’t answer that!
Despite my seemingly successful quick recovery I don’t think that this is the right way to go into a relationship but at the same time the immense pain and sadness in breaking up is also not a pleasant thing to deal with either.
My son quoted something else from one of those Batman films I think, when he was stuck in some kind of deep hole or pit and every time he tried to climb out he failed. (Your going to have to help me out on this one) There was some other guy in the pit that said your attitude or disposition is all wrong. You have to climb in a way that you are positive that you will succeed, go the whole way, don’t think about failure. Lo and behold he succeeded in his next attempt.
I guess thats how you should go into a relationship, your in love, and you are going to stick together no matter what, there is no consideration of failure. Maybe similiar to athletes in competition. All contenders are aiming for gold and they convince themselves that they are going to win gold…. ..despite the fact that only one contender can win gold.
How do you deal with losing in competition and more importantly in love? What type of defence mechanism can you set up that does not affect your goal to succeed but protects you from the pain of failure?
I don’t think that formula exists.
This is apart of being alive.
If the fear of failure stops us from doing or starting something then we are as good as dead.
I quote the well known saying;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Lord Tennyson
Seeing as my son played an inspirational role in this short blog I would like to share a link to a song he made recently onder his artist name LTGL with the same title “Defence Mechanism”, but I have to warn you its not everyones cup of tea. No sorry I will correct that statement your going to love this song.
I discovered this form of dancing just over 5 years ago and I just don’t know how I did not discover or see this form of music and dance earlier in my life. But one thing I have discovered in my relationships and salsa is that it is a good indicator of your relationship with your partner
I honestly believe that how well or bad that you dance salsa with your partner indicates how good or bad your relationship is.
I am learning cuban style salsa and one of the fundamental rules of this form of dance is that the man leads and the woman follows. This is Cuban and Latin South American cultuur. The macho man who is strong, dominant and shows his partner he can lead and can lead well and the woman who is willing to submit and follow the signals of her partner. If the woman plays a dominant role in the relationship or marriage then more than likely it won’t work when you dance Cuban style salsa. Also if problems start developing in the relationship it will also affect how well you dance together. I then assume (but have not actually proven it personally) if you dance very well with someone it could be a very good indicator that you could have a successful relationship. ( looking forward to hearing your viewpoints on that latter assumption)
I also have noted the importance of personal contact while dancing. If done right it enhances the dance experience. During the dance it is just you and the person your dancing with. Your attention or concern should not be with your other friends or the people present, whether they can see how good or bad that you or your partner is dancing. Your focus is the person in front of you looking at him or her periodically, concentrating on leading or being lead and listening to the rhythm of the music. I found an interesting clip about cuban cultuur and dance. Please note the comment of one woman being interviewed in that clip about how she dances Cuban cultuur:
Anyway I am still a novice because the more I read up on Salsa the more I realise how little I know. I have just discovered another wordpress publisher that discusses Cuban rhythm and and its history in depth and turns my articles into sesame seeds. So if latin music touches you and are learning to dance salsa then you have to read his blogs. Here is his link;